Shedding the Fat Armor

Some people make new year resolutions. I make birthday ones. This year I resolved to be healthier and to write more. Considering my weight problems the past ten years or so, you'd think the latter would be easier than the former.

We'd both be wrong it seems.

Three weeks ago, I gave up caffeine and, as a by-product, soda. Two weeks ago, I actually began to pay attention to what I was eating and changed my habits. One week ago, I started working out at the fitness center.

This is a feat of monumental proportions. Given my crazy schedule - work, theater, friends, more theater, lather, rinse, repeat - it seemed unlikely that I could make time for this endeavor. And then there is my weirdness about how I look...

For those who didn't know me fifteen years ago, this picture is probably surprising. More than half my life, I was thin and blonde. Even more surprising and contrary to what this picture portrays, I was extremely unhappy. There were many reasons for this...many unfortunate events...but there is no need for unpleasant details. What I will say is that when I dyed my hair, I was no longer treated like I had the IQ of a zucchini and when I gained weight, I was no longer sexually harassed/victimized. My brain made the unfortunate calculation:

If thin blonde Heather = unhappy victim Heather then heavy dark haired Heather > thin blonde Heather

Obviously, this was an oversimplification of a complex situation that really would have been better solved by years of therapy. But hair dye and weight gain were so much cheaper and easier. Eventually, I did face many of my demons (and continue to as it is an on-going process).

Then one day I decided, I didn't need the disguise. It took a few months, but I eventually went back to blonde for the first time in years. And now...I'm tackling the weight. This isn't my first trip to this particular rodeo. But so far...it's my most successful. I no longer need fat to serve as my armor against the world. I won't say it is easy. Because...it really isn't. But I will say...I feel better than I have in years.